Grieving Losing a Parent

Having just completed what a friend and teammate called “the firsts,” I wanted to discuss grief, more specifically the grief of losing a parent. My mother, Mary, passed on September 5, 2019, which means I have successfully navigated all “the firsts,” without her.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were especially somber as mom had passed within a few short months of the holiday season. Thankfully, mom is responsible for creating an exceptionally large, very loud, supportive, and close-knit family village.

When I mention that all people grieve differently, I am sure this is not a shocking revelation to anyone. What is important to know is that you need to grieve, however that looks to you, to move forward, and harness your memories to bring you joy, and happiness every day. I read that losing a parent is a “wholly transformative event.”

That description resonated with me deep in my soul. My mind still attempts to reconcile what happens now that the Matriarch of the family is gone? There are five of us, we all live within an hour of one another, have families, and get along, so why should the loss of her physical presence affect our family unit? For some families, losing the Matriarch means the family falls apart as they were responsible for, or at least the reason the family unit came together for holidays, and events.

My family will not lose the roots mom planted deeply, or the sense of loyalty to one another she instilled. Still, it is scary, the ONE person who was responsible for creating our entire family has moved on. I typically only cry talking about my mom if I am with my siblings, sharing stories that hit a cord in my heart. Most of the time when I think about or talk to mom, I do not cry, or become overly sad, I feel more disbelief than anything. I believe the word “surreal,” best fits how I feel most of the time.

Living with Grief

1. Do not rush grief, it takes time, and is never entirely over.
2. Accept that grief comes and goes, and that even years from now you can experience pain from loss.
3. Surround yourself with caring people.
4. Share your feelings.
5. Maintain your health.
6. Life is for the living, accept that.
7. Postpone life changing decisions.
8. Be kind to yourself.
9. Seek professional help when necessary.

Activities for Coping

1. Music. Listen to your favorite music, sing, play your instrument.
2. Artwork. Draw, doodle, paint, knit, and scrapbooking can all be great creative outlets.
3. Meditation and Prayer.
4. Write Letters. Letters to God or your deceased can help express emotions.
5. Exercise. Physical exercise releases endorphins that help us feel good allowing us to better cope.
6. Yell! In your pillow, the shower, anywhere you can just release pent up anger!

Helping Others Grieve

1. Share their sorrow.
2. Steer clear of false comfort.
3. Be patient and available.
4. Offer practical help during the first weeks even months; Meals, housekeeping, baby-sitting for example.